I need Jesus

As I prepair for all that is ahead of me, Africa, school, work, a family. I feel like I keep running into speed bumps, ditches, holes, craters, and the list goes on. I say it and sing it and preach it that all we need in Jesus. Do I believe it? Do I take hold of it? Do I run with it? NO most definitely NO. I wanna believe it I wanna say all I need is Jesus, but the reality is I feel I need Jesus and things to be easy. I need life to be sweeter filled with victories no failures. I thought when I believed in Jesus everything would be EASY. News flash it only gets harder. Harder to serve him, obey him, learn from him, and just be willing to say YES LORD.

I am not sure why at this moment in time I am struggling with all this. I know the right answers I am the bible college student. We have all the books that say what is right and what is wrong. I can tell all the theology just the right way, but when I have questions people seem to think I am less spiritual. People seem to think you've changed. No I am still me I just have questions and no answers. I wonder why one person is held to a different standard than others. Are we all not following the same GOD? (I am aware my thoughts are kinda here and there sorry.)

Is it less spiritual to wear flip flops or dress shoes? Shirt and tie or Polo? Jeans or dress pants? I think Jesus would say show me your heart not your shoes. Why have we made Church so religious? Why do we say your not Godly if you don't do X,Y,Z? There are believers in China who huddle around one small light bulb wearing dirty clothes reading one bible and they are worshiping the Lord. Worshiping him knowing at any moment the could be caught and killed for this. We get all to caught up in how we do Church and not in why we do Church. Now don't hear me saying Church is bad. When we worship our Lord with our hearts it is pure joy. I wanna be there in that place where all I need is Jesus and the rest is written by HIM.

I have not one clue if any of this makes sense or if anyone will read this. I use this space to let go of difficulties and ideas and just be free in who I am and what I believe. You may agree or disagree and that is fine. You are on a journey same as me and we never get it right. I am trying my best to serve the Lord how I feel led. May Jesus Christ direct my path and yours to the foot of the cross. I NEED JESUS